Education
by R3aper
Summary: A late night discussion with a Turian Vigilante and a Test Tube Krogan.


_Alright, c'mon girl, you can can do it._

Garrus watched the string of ever changing numbers

_C'mon. C'mon._

"_Power requirement for the Thanix Cannon has decreased by 1.3%." _EDI announced, but Garrus already knew that. He also knew she rounded down.

"Whooo!" Garrus stretched and cracked his neck. "Nothing feels better than lowering power requirements, am I right EDI?"

"_I concur Officer Garrus." _Garrus' stomach growled. _"I recommend you find sustenance, it has been approximately 9 hours since your last meal."_

"Really? That long?" Garrus touched the glowing icon on the door and stepped out onto the Crew Deck. Most lights were off, whatever lights were on were dimmed. _Night shift already? _A quick glance at his omni-tolol's clock confirmed this. _Spirits I need to work on time management._

Then he noticed a figure sitting at the dining table. A massive, hulking figure. Grunt. The Krogan was staring down at the table, where his meaty fingers enveloped a mug of liquid. Grunt turned his head at Garrus.

"Vakarian." Grunt rumbled plainly.

"Grunt." Garrus nodded. He made his way into the kitchen and opened one of the cupboards, grabbing a Turian meal bar ration. Supposedly these bricks of _something_ had all the vitamins and nutrients a soldier needed. Tasted like Varren shit though. Garrus turned to return to the Main Battery, but Grunt's voice stopped him.

"Garrus." The Turian turned and looked at the Krogan. "Sit. We need to talk."

Garrus didn't have a good feeling about this, but sat down across from Grunt anyway. Unwrapping the wrapper and taking a bite out of the meal bar, Garrus was quiet as Grunt began to speak.

"When Okeer created me, he engineered me to be the perfect Krogan, the savior of my people." Grunt paused, as if thinking carefully about his next words. "I received all my education through imprints from The Glass Mother."

"Yeah, that much I know Grunt." Garrus nodded, taking a another bite out of the meal bar. "What are you getting at?"

"Well Okeer gave me a vast knowledge of war, but-" Grunt paused again.

"But...?"

"He never..." Grunt mumbled the last part. Garrus really wondered what Grunt was trying to tell him.

He never..." Garrus echoed.

"He didn't give me information on women." Garrus began coughing from an unchewedpiece of meal bar getting lodged in his throat.

"_I detect you are in distress Garrus, should I call Doctors Chakwas or Solus?" _EDI chimed.

_YES! SPIRITS ANYONE. I DON'T WANT TO EXPLAIN THIS TO A KROGAN_. _EVEN JOKER. ANYBODY_. Garrus screamed in his mind. The food passed down his throat, but before he could speak, Grunt spoke.

"No Machine, this discussion is between me and Vakarian." Grunt glared threateningly at the ceiling. "Don't listen to us or send anyone to help

"_Acknowledged. Logging you out."_

"What did you say Grunt?" Garrus rubbed the back of his neck. This was not happening.

"I need you to teach me about women. When I completed my Rite of Passage and joined Clan Urdnot, I received numerous breeding requests from female Krogan. I also vaguely remember you mention something about dances on Omega."

"I, uh..."

"I also heard a discussion you had with the dark skinned Human, Taylor, and the male engineer in the engine room. Something about reach and flexibility."

This was not happening. This was definitely not happening.

Garrus' eyes quickly darted all over the deck. There was always the Main Battery, but that was a dead end, and Grunt could probably bust through a locked door.

There was also the sheets in Shepard's room. Garrus could disable the elevator and hide under the cotton sheets. Logic dictated if you couldn't see it, it couldn't see you. But Garrus decided against that, Grunt would probably be able to smash through the decks and tear the sheets apart.

"I, uh..." Garrus echoed his earlier statement. "What do you want to know?" He said hesitantly.

Grunt stared down at the cup, thinking about what to say.

"Why do women have breasts?" Grunt cupped his chest with his hands to act as breasts. Garrus already wanted to shoot himself. "They aren't very useful in combat."

"Breasts aren't for combat. Not everything was meant for combat."

"I am. I genetically engineered to be a soldier." Grunt proclaimed proudly.

"Well you were grown in a giant, Krogan-sized test tube." Garrus quipped. "Breasts are meant for the young offspring."

"For what, cushioning?"

"No, I won't get into details," It was awkward enough without details. "But the young offspring of many races usually can't fend for themselves or eat many kinds of food like adults. The breasts provide food for the younglings until they are able to eat normal food."

"How? Do the whelps bite off chunks of meat?" Garrus' brain visualized the images. _OH SPIRITS NO!_ He shook his head rapidly, trying to get the images out of his head. "Vakarian, what's the matter with you?" Grunt inquired.

"Nothing Grunt," Garrus shuddered at the thoughts again. "Don't worry about it. What other questions do you have?"

"Since we were talking about them, how are babies made?" At that moment, the XO of the Normandy decided to come down from CIC to get some rest in her room.

Garrus' head snapped towards Miranda, who stood, stunned. His eyes pleaded for her to help, and she understood perfectly. She uttered a single sentence.

"I refuse to get involved in this conversation." In the blink of an eye, Miranda's doors were already closing.

"Bitch."Garrus muttered.

"How are babies made." The echo sounded more like a statement than a question.

"Well, uhh." Garrus racked his mind for answers. "So when a daddy and a mommy love each other very much, the call upon the- umm." Garrus rubbed his arm. "The starchild! Right, they call him and bam, baby!"

"What?" Grunt looked perplexed. Garrus wish he had alcohol for what he was about to say.

"The baby comes out of the mother's vagina!" Garrus practically screamed. _Woah Garrus, you might have skipped a few steps there, buddy._

"Okay..."

"How about I just teach you how to pickup women?" Garrus put his face into his hands.

"I already know how to pick up women, just lift them like I would a merc." Grunt raised his arms above his head for emphasis.

"No, not that pick up. I meant pickup like-" Garrus searched for a definition in his head. "Look just go with it, trust me."

"Okay." Finally, something Garrus was comfortable with.

"When picking up women, you need to start by complimenting them, like their hair, or clothing or something." Garrus was definitely more comfortable. Garrus spent the next 15 minutes going over the basics of picking women up. Grunt absorbed every bit of it.

"Anymore questions?" Why the hell did he keep asking that?

Grunt pondered for a moment.

"What's reach and flexibility?" _Nope. I need to find a way out, NOW._ Luckily for Garrus, the elevator doors hissed open and out stepped a certain psychotic biotic. Said psychotic biotic mumbled something akin to a Hello and a Vorcha curse that loosely translated to 'pyjak shit snorter' and stepped toward the kitchen.

"IthinkJackcantakeovernowbye." Garrus sprinted from his seat and into the elevator.

"The fuck was scarface talking 'bout?" Jack jabbed a thumb at the elevator.

Grunt sat quietly for a few seconds. Now seemed like a good time to practice his newly acquired skills. Grunt scanned Jack's figure. No hair, barely any clothes, but she did have tattoos.

"I like your tattoos." Grunt stated as he rose from his seat.

Jack just stood there, stunned as Grunt approached her.

"They look," Grunt glanced at ink covered skin. "pretty." His head was now inches from hers. Grunt placed a hand on her shoulder, leaned in and took a deep sniff.

"The fuck?" Jack snapped her head back before bringing it forward with a biotic headbutt. "What the hell was that?" Grunt flew back a few meters and landed on his back, he quickly stood up. "Don't ever fucking touch or fucking _sniff_ me!"

"Rough," Grunt grinned. "I like it." He approached her again, but much more quickly. "This a mating ritual for you humans?"

Jack readied a biotic punch in response. Once Grunt got near her, she lunged. Despite his large size, Grunt was fairly fast. He dodged the punch, grabbed her by the neck, and smashed her down onto the edge of the dining table. With biotic fueled strength, Jack flipped Grunt over her head and onto the center of the table. She straddled his hips and began smashing with her fists. Grunt crossed his arms over his face.

The legs of the table, not being able to take the weight of a Krogan and the biotic strikes, snapped and the Human and Krogan fell to the ground.

"Anyone wanna explain why Garrus is crying in my bed and why I could hear fighting from the ele-" Shepard walking into the mess hall and stopped dead in her tracks. "-vator?"

"It's not what it looks like?" Jack still straddled Grunt's hips.

"I don't know what's going on, and I don't want to." Shepard turned away and began walking away. She called over her shoulder, "Just clean up after yourselves!"

* * *

**I'd like to thank _BrokenRose99_ for being an immense help. If you liked this, go check out his profile, he has some amazing stories he's working on.**

**I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Don't forget to leave a review!**


End file.
